Regis and who?
by Gina Cohen-Rapp
Summary: What happens when you stay awake until 3 in the morning and are bored. PURE crackfic.. I guess it could be called a crossover. It's MR too. Rating for one Fbomb dropped by Collins.


**A/N**-This is what happens when speedrent posts a chalange and you want to write for it but it's 3 in the morning... it's crazy. Look out for Brittney Spears and TomCruise. Be afraid, be very afraid.

* * *

**Regis**

Hello and welcome to the Regis and… wait, which girl are you? I've had so many on this show that I really don't remember which is which.

**Kelly**

KELLY! For the five millionth time, it's KELLY

**Regis**

Oh, what_ever_… don't get your blond hair in a knot Kathy.

**Kelly**

KELLY

**Regis**

Fine. Okay, so on today's show, we have many special guests that Kath here will try to flirt with, even though her husband and kids are sitting right there. Hi Kelly's husband and kids!

**Kelly**

Hey! You got my name right!

**Regis**

What was that Cyndy?

**Kelly**

Nothing…

**Regis**

Okay, so back to our guests today. We have Roger Davis, the lead singer of the new band the Well Hungarians. If you didn't know, the Well Hungarians have had their hit song, 'Book of Endings', on the top of the charts for three weeks.

**Regis (continued)**

Yes, yes, a huge accomplishment for Mr. Davis. He's also gorgeous!

**Kelly**

Uh, Reege, _you_ think he's gorgeous?

**Regis **

NO!

**Kelly**

Um, okay… we also have Tom Cruise and surprise guest Brittney Spears for no particular reason!

**Regis**

So here's the part where we talk about stuff that isn't exactly important, but housewives get their share of pop culture from it, so we blabber on about it anyway. Sarah, do you have anything to talk about?

**Kelly**

Kelly does, _SARAH_doesn't!

**Regis**

Okay then, lets just cut to our first guest, Roger Davis!

**Kelly**

So, Roger, your band's first album _Your Eyes_ has been at the top of the charts for weeks now. How does that feel?

**Roger**

Well, it's just… great. I mean, we never even had a record before this, and just out of nowhere… wow. A lot of stuff really fast.

**Regis **

Girls?

**Kelly**

Regis!

**Regis**

What? It's a legitimate question!

**Roger**

Ah, it's okay. Um well, yeah. Our band was big on the small club circuit in the later 80's, but nothing like this.

**Regis**

Anyone you've got your eye on?

**Kelly**

REGIS! He's not a fourteen year old boy!

**Roger**

Nah, it's okay. I wouldn't cheat.

**Kelly**

Oh… I know tons of ladies who are really upset by that! Who is she?

**Roger**

Uh, well the thing about that is-

**Kelly**

OH MY GOD! IT'S TOM CRUISE! EVERYONE ACT SURPRISED BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO, THOUGH I TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO!

**Tom Cruise**

I EAT COUCH!

**Regis**

Oh, Tom, there are easier ways to get your fiber-

**Tom Cruise**

I EAT HIM!

**Roger**

Me?

**Tom Cruise **

YOU!

**Kelly**

RUN ROGER! Without that girl attached to his side, he's rabid! He eats people who don't own sonograms in their home!

**Tom Cruise**

YOU NO OWN SONOGRAM! ME EAT YOU!

**Announcer**

Please stay with us during this short commercial break

**Regis **

So, we're back, Tom Cruise's got a tranquilizer bullet in his ass, and we're here with my co-host Ann Abernathy-

**Kelly**

KELLY RIPA

**Regis**

What_ever_! Get over it, blondie. But we also have Roger Davis, and we're repeating this because we expect people to have tuned in, which I personally doubt. And Roger's single "Book of Endin-

**Kelly**

Who cares? He's hot!

**Roger**

Uh… Kelly, your kid…

**Kelly**

I have a kid?

**Regis**

Roger, so you were talking about not cheating. Whose the lucky lady?

**Roger**

Uh well, it's not a lucky lad-

**Regis**

Oh, look! It's our friend Britney Spears!

**Kelly **

Oh I _hate_ that bitch.

**Britney Spears**

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that I'm really pregnant, even though it's obvious.

**Kelly**

Well I have kids!

**Britney**

Uh, who _cares?_Anyway, the kids due in a week

**Roger**

And you're telling this _now?_

**Britney**

Well my album is coming out tomorrow… and I needed some excuse for my gaining weight. I'm eating for two! Ben and Jerrys has this great new flavor too…

**Regis**

Uh, whose the dude with the machine gun?

**Kelly**

Dude with a machine gun?

**Roger**

What the (beeped out)! Collins!

**Collins**

Yeah, I'm here to shoot you all

**Kelly**

Uh, why?

**Collins**

Because you're as annoying as fuck. Rog, get Mark and help me!

**Roger**

Gladly. Marky! Get down here!

**Mark**

Yeah?

**Roger**

We're gonna shoot these bitches

**Mark**

YAY!

**Collins**

Now you guys are gonna have hot 'we killed Tom Cruise sex?

**Regis**

What?

**Collins**

Yeah, you never let him say he was gay, idiot boy. Britney Spears and Rabid Cruise were interrupting.

**Kelly**

Oh… he's still hot

**Regis**

Before we're shot by a gay rock star, his boyfriend, and their crazy friend, I just wanted to tell you all to buy my new record, The Regis Philman Chrismas Album!

**Kelly**

Regis, shameless pimping before you _die?_ God, that's so like you

**Britney**

What_ever_… get on with it!

**Tom Cruise**

WAIT! I'll give you free tickets to M:I:III if you don't shoot us!

**Mark**

Uh, I'd kill you if you did

**Tom Cruise**

Oh. Well how 'bout if you don't?

**Mark**

Well then we won't kill you

**Tom Cruise**

Deal!

**Regis**

………..

**Kelly**

…………..

**Britney **

…………………….

**Tom Cruise**

……………………………………

**Mark**

What do we do now?

**Collins**

Let's dance on the tables!

**Roger**

Okay!

**Announcer**

Thank you for watching the Regis and Kelly show! Next week, superstar Maureen Jefferson-Johnson and Joan Rivers!


End file.
